Tuesday, February 09, 2010

I never thought this would happen so fast but it feels great to finally feel a sense of attachment to my boys. Getting to know every single one of them better, crack my head to think of improvements for weekly meetings, well, i've never done all these or at least take much pride or effort in doing it. I want things to happen. I want things to change but more importantly, i want them to have fun.

When i was a venture and about to embark on ops rovering, i always had picture that i would be the bad guy and the boys wouldnt like me that much. At least that was my experience as a boy.

However, its all very different now. If they make a mistake, i would rather sit down and discuss with them instead of resorting to ''violence''.

During the first day where the sec1s came in, as i was teaching them about knots and other scouting matters, i found myself pausing for a brief moment and i looked at the rest of the boys who were doing footdrill at that moment. I realised how fast it will be for them to grow up and be like the rest.

I cant really find the words but i somewhat feel honoured to be given the opportunity to guide these boys in whatever capacity i am capable of.

Vincent once mentioned that he feels the sense of accomplishment to see through the boys grow from sec1 untill they graduate. Maybe i'd be able to see through his eyes afterall and hope to gain the experiences that he got as well.

Well, i hope for the best and for everything to all go well.. or at least as planned. ;D


Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Well, how I am feeling right now isnt the best feeling one could ever have. I feel rather lonely and depressed. And i realised that how i go about dealing with it in the past was either through meeting a friend to keep my mind off things or submit to alcohol which helps very much in supressing the feelings.

I am so miserable i nearly booked tickets to go KL and spend a few days in the quiet kampong to ease my mind. But i stayed because i didnt want my gf to feel how i am feeling, lonely. So i stayed.

There are times i would just sit all by myself, with a can of beer in my hand and a cig on the other. Sometimes it helps.. but not always.

I tend to look out the window every now and then just looking at the sky or even the people down below who go about their normal life and wondering what's really on their minds.

I dont speak as much as i used to, and i have my reasons. I used to be rather talkative, even with strangers but i reaslised how vulnerable you get when you share things with people. They use it against you. They judge, they critic. And they're called people. Sometimes, family.

What is life really?

Have you ever thought about the time when you'll die? Would all the things you ever did in life mattered? And if you believe in heaven and hell, how long would you stay there? Forever sounds very long. The word 'forever' is an understatement really.

Have you ever thought how the world would have been if you were not born? Then you'd think to yourself that such a thought would only exist because you're alive. So many questions in life.. questions that only matters when your life is coming to an end. Questions i think of when i get sober from yesterday's intoxication.

I need to get away from it all. Movie marathons and late night jogs dont cut it anymore. So does alcohol. I need something else. I need it fast...


Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Everywhere I looked, I couldn’t find it.

I looked into my friends, it wasn’t there.

I looked into my family, it wasn’t there.

I looked into my love one, it wasn’t there.

I searched deep within myself.. still it wasn’t there.

The will to strive for excellence, it was nowhere to be found.

Nor is the will to even leave bed.

Falling ill reassured me that hope is lost.

I searched places unimaginable.. even in movies/clips.

For I was in desperate need of guidance.

Realising that there are worse scenarios out there didn’t comfort me as it once used to.

As I believe that one should look up and compare to those up high instead of those down below.
But it does keep me down here on earth.

I need time, by myself.

To find my soul. My motivation. My will.

I’ve searched everywhere..

I need time still.


Saturday, September 19, 2009

Things that were once taken for granted would somehow and someday be slapped in your face in the worst way possible.

I sincerely appreciate those who stood and still standing by me through this harsh period of mine. I have had my share of bad moments where nothing seemed to be right but what happened recently was nothing compared to those times. A benchmark in life it was.

I am not proud to share my experience here in public but I am sure those who know about the incident are those I am proud to have in my life.

It wasn’t easy at first as everything happened in just a short span of time and it also got me thinking of why life is being unfair, but it all came at the later part, where It got me realising that there are lessons to learn from all that.

Beautiful family is. Beautiful friends are. Beautiful love is.

Grateful I am to still be here to share the joy and happiness with the people I have in life. Those who have gone and passed, I am glad to have lived amongst them.

I shan’t go further like an emokid but I’m ever so grateful to still have people around me who care.

On another note, Massha and I have reached our 1st year together as a couple.

All the ups and downs we had. All it ever did was got us closer together.

To many more years to come my love.

I love you dearest. Truly do.


Friday, August 14, 2009

Motivation. It comes from many places or people for that matter.

It can sometimes be as hot as the blazing flames and it could sometimes just be for a spur moment. Whatever the source or reason for the motivation be, it is definitely something that pushes people who in turn push their limits and break barriers.

Stories of such people who we sometimes see as extraodinaires. They fight for a cause. Be it for love, lust or passion. Many of such drives us and gives us what we know as, motivation. Intrinsic or extrinsic, it works well in leading people towards their goals.

But to what that makes an individual able to continue burning his flames of motivation, despite all the challenges and obstacles encountered by him, defying them and continue fighting and pushing his limits, is something not many are able to do.

On many occasions, it withers instead of flourishing into yet another burst of motivation.

So what makes us stronger? I believe it all depends on each and every person.

I was made aware recently of the 7 sins which we, men are always being tempted with, and I can't help to think that motivation could somehow intertwine with them. Motivation I mentioned really depends on whether it is driven intrinsically or extrinsically. The 7 sins which i spoke of could well be the drive to these two main motivating factors. In a nutshell, motivation also has its motivation(driving factor). And this is how it's possible.

Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, Pride.

Take your time and digest it. I honestly believe that majority of our decisions made everyday is being influenced by these very 7 sins.

Here are some daily examples;

I want to be rich and successful in life. Pride? Greed? Or simply the lust for riches?

I hate my boss, and i wish he'd die a terrible death! Wrath? Envy?

There are many more example out there which i dread to mention and i need to highlight that these application of the 7 sins to our thoughts and decisions need not necessarily be true but it could just be one of the many reasons. That, i would leave it to you to decide.

I would like to further state my point that men including some of us have definitely one way or another been tempted or even committed at least one of the 7 sins. We sometimes even use these sins to motivate ourselves. And here are some of the signs which I believe are signs of the mentioned 7 sins.

Fornication, rape, adultery, incest, perversion, just some of the many examples of such lust in which we humans commit to. It is through such lust some men would be motivated enough to kill. They would go defy all odds just to satisfy their “needs”.

Theft, robbery, trickery, bribery, murder and many more examples of men’s doings are just the very few in which we men commit. Ultimately, it is inevitable that any one of our actions is closely related to the 7 sins that we are all aware of.

It is nature at its best. We humans can use them to power our thoughts and motivate us into achieving our goals, be it of good nature or bad. Some sins even motivate us unknowingly.

And like I said, not all our actions are driven/motivated by the 7 sins but I am very sure that men, as we are, there would definitely be a chance that we were once poised and tempted to at least one of the 7 sins.

Have you?



Tuesday, July 14, 2009

So training is on-going. We're short of time but we're doing great so far.

To us, its not much on the speed but the consistency. Training days are on Monday,Tues,Thurs,Saturday. Honestly, its been awhile since i felt such commitment in something.
So yeap, our goal this year is the Standard Chartered 2009: 42.195Km.
However, before that, we're going for RunNUS on 30th August: 12Km.

I see that the RunNUS is a totally different ball game altogether. Somewhat like ippt 2.4km run, its all about the timing,..

Oh ya, did I mention that the Singlet for RunNUS this year looks awesome?

And one more thing.. I think im gonna name this preparation for marathon. . . .



lol.. okbye!



Monday, July 13, 2009

Refreshing it is to listen and recite the Scout Hymn again. Different from reciting the national pledge which agenda is to instill patriotism in oneself, the Scout Hymn is something that allows me to reflect on myself and my goals in life.

Now, how often do you find that in a song nowadays..

----------THE SCOUT HYMN------------

Now as I start upon my chosen way,

In all I do, my thoughts, my work, my play.

Grant as I promise, courage new for me,

To be the best, the best that I can be.

Help me to keep my honour shining bright,

May I be loyal in the hardest fight,

Let me be able for my task, and then,

To earn a place among my fellow-men.

Open my eyes to see the things as I should,

That I may do my daily turn of good,

Let me be ready, waiting for each need

To keep me clean in thought and word and deed.

So as I journey on my chosen way,

In all I do, my thoughts my work, my play,

Grant as I promise, courage new for me

To be the best, the BEST that I can be.